Underground Room with Time Machine Windows

More dreams about degradation again. This time, a bunch of people in an underground warehouse that is completely empty. Everyone lined up like they're in the Army. Facing forward, to these two people who are telling them to do very strange things - I can't remember the details but it was pretty bad.

One thing I do remember is not only the commands of actions under penalty of death, but how they would tease people by taking them over to a window which showed their future. It was a window of pain, I would call it. They would look at the window, and the window showed them their most happy moments. Whether it was a husband or wife, or a family, or some event that they remembered. They would show them happiness, and then force them to go back into the line of people.

Now that I think about it, that would be true torture. Because, when you're being tortured, I image that you eventually just turn off your brain. You don't want to feel or think about anything anymore. But when they force you to see something that stimulates your feelings of hope and happiness...then the torture really does become real. They are not allowing you to escape from it, in that way.

I think there is a lot of symbolism in this one for me, where this kind of torture can happen to one individual from another. Someone promises happiness and then they disappoint you on purpose; there are all sorts of examples I could write about. I went through that, but have not really accepted it fully. It could be why these dreams come out in the most oddest ways.

One part of the dream was where a bunch of tall blond women athletes came in, and started playing cricket. Go figure.

More Nightmares

More dreams - and more nightmares. It's been a while since I've had nightmares one after the other. Last night again, I had a few of them.

One was me moving from house to house in different cities, lost, and constantly running into Adam (the ex) with each driveway I would pull into. I couldn't seem to get away from him.

Another dream was me swimming in the backyard of this beautiful house and the area was covered with beautiful flowers, roses, tulips; it was a Secret Garden. While I was swimming in a pool, Adam shows up and asks me to go to the store with him. I ignored him and then he disappeared in his car.

Another dream was me seeing his car in a parking lot with a friend of mine, and we both panicked. It was at a restaurant that both of us were going to eat at, but my friend insisted we go in. So I did, and there in the waiting area was him and a girl sitting together. I ran into the bathroom and hid for a moment. Then I went back out and he wasn't there but the girl was there sitting alone.

Another dream was me driving down several highways and I kept seeing his car at every turn; I wasn't able to get away from it.

The final one was me going to his house and every time I went in, he was telling me how this girl he was with was someone he was going to stay with unless I came back to him. I remember feeling a lot of pain and then every time I saw her I had feelings of anger; convinced she was in on all this. I had feelings of sadness and pity as well. I had a lot of different feelings. And the more he showed up to tell me about what I was missing out on, the more I kept trying to get away. But no matter where I went, him and the girl were there. Him psychology trying to get me back, and the girl sitting there, looking smug.

When I thought about him and girl together, and the fact that she will most likely be with him for the rest of his life (especially if she hasn't left by now-fellow psychopath victims will relate to this) I felt so much pain. Not just the feeling in me, but for her. And for what he will be doing to her. And how there is no one to stop it. How she will be drained, just like I was. Fed off for years, like a vampire, and then only when she dares to question being sucked dry does she get pushed back down even further into the floor. It was like watching evil happen in front of me and I was helpless.

Dreams like this often happen with stress; it's been a stressful time lately so I'm not surprised these keep happening. Hopefully the next dream will be more positive.

Chained in Luxury

I usually don't write about nightmares, but let's look at it as more of a surreal dream than an actual nightmare. Plus, when I speak with people about nightmares its more so I can get it out of my system. No one is really around tonight for me to speak with, so, here I am. Writing again.

I pretty much know what this one symbolizes but nevertheless, it's not pleasant to be reminded of painful past relationships.

It began with an ex of mine (for now, let's call him Adam). Details are already starting to fade so what I remember now is me walking through a room in an old attic. In the room was one window only. There was an old bed in the middle of the room, with white bedsheets, which were obviously used because the bed was a mess. I was with some older couple that told me they had kicked Adam out of the place because he was using it to bring women there.

Suddenly, everything changed. I was part of a small group of 6 people. We were kidnapped by these rich people. I was in a large mansion, tied in chains. We were being punished for some reason but it wasn't clear why.

We were being tortured in very weird ways. An example would be, a very nice old lady would come to me and tell me "now this won't hurt very long" and she took this screw and a hammer, and put it on top of my head. She told me "it will be just a second of pain and then its over". She hammered the screw into my skull. Once it was in, she took a chain and hung it from the screw, and at the other end, made sure the chain was connected to the wall. She goes "There we go!" with a big smile, and then proceeds to do this to the rest of the 5 people/vampires that were there with me. Keep in mind, we all looked like regular people. I was in regular clothes; pants and a sweater.

Next, a guy came in and said "ok, we're all going to play a game here" and he told us to walk towards the middle of the room from the wall we were attached to. I could only walk so far because the chain was stuck to my head from the screw it was connected to. So we all made our way to the middle of the room, and then had to stop. He kept reminding us to be careful, and keep in mind that we were connected to the wall.

In front of us each was a door but it was a door with a mirror on it. I tried to open the handle, but the person told us that if we opened the door, it would tear off a piece of our skin. Apparently the handle was rigged to something else, that would somehow, hurt us. Anyone who refused to do it was told they would hurt us even more. Of course, they were extremely polite, and very nice.

I started to open the door, but could feel a part of my body hurting from doing so. The man says "You can do it!" I started to cry and said " its painful" and he pats me on the back. "I know, " he says. "But you have to choose one way or the other. Don't worry, I'll be right here as it happens."

Desert Planet

Well the dreams have started up again - with a vengeance. So here's one I just had an hour ago, and I only fell asleep for 45 minutes.

I was on another planet. The planet was made of nothing but desert sand. There were hills everywhere but it was all sand. Now, I'm standing there with a group of mountain hikers and they are deciding which way we should go. I see a small little wood outhouse just sitting in the middle of the sand somewhere. I figure I should use the bathroom. I walk over to it, and open the door.

As soon as I go in, I see the toilet but next to it are a ton of clothes with hangers, like I walked into someones clothing closet. As I'm looking at the skirts, my cell phone on me rings. At first, I'm confused. How could I get a signal here on another planet? So I answer. It's some guy I do not know going, "So, how are you" and I say "uh, fine."

Then some woman from the mountain hikers comes in, and goes to the bathroom. I bend down and hide behind a bunch of clothes hanging from this pole; meanwhile the guy on the phone keeps talking and asking me a bunch of provocative questions. I say "I can't talk right now" and then I hang up.

As soon as the women leaves, I see another way to get out of this little hut from the bottom of a wall, there's an opening. Instead of using the front door, I force myself through this small hole in the wood, out onto the sand. As I collapse on the sand, I see a large flying bird the size of a dinosaur slowly making it's way down to land. It lands about 100 feet from me, and begins to roost there, just sitting and making squawking noises.

Britain and Evil Grass

A very dreamy dream.

Started with me being invited across the street to a large mansion that was practically empty. I was in heaven by doing that, as I love empty places, especially when they are enormous.

I was obviously in Britian, since when I went in, there was Neil Tennant of the PSB who told me to make myself at home. It was obviously his place. (no idea why he was brought into the dream, I haven't listened to them in days).

I walked through so many hallways. I went for walks outside in the garden. The garden was also, enormous. I almost felt like I was dreaming while I was walking. It was the most content feeling, and yet I had a feeling of intense longing to stay there; to live in this garden and this quiet house. I wanted to live for the rest of my life in this place, where it was quiet and beautiful. I did not want to leave.

Neil poked his head out, and said we had to have lunch with some people. I walked with him along another hallway and we sat down at a table and had lunch.

At some point, I was talking with a Britsh gentleman who ended up walking with me down some attic in the house, looking out the windows. I started talking to him about my favorite Werner Herzog movie, Nosferatu. And how the character of the vampire is one of the first sympathetic characters in cinema, and how him and the female flirt with each other, and then suddenly, I make up a scene in my head to tell him (that doesn't even exist in the movie). I tell him that makes a move on him but he doesn't want to follow through with it. And how she leans up against him, asking him if she can borrow some change. He says yes and he puts his hand in his pocket, and digs down for money, all the while looking at him. There is a moment of tension and he calmly says "There's nothing there." She pulls her hand out and looks at him - and then I explain this scene to the man and he just looks at me in confusion.

Then I am walking downtown, in a small city, looking for a restuarant that I am supposed to meet Neil at. I get lost in this loud city, and end up in surburbia, among houses and quiet streets; I can hear birds chirping and kids playing somewhere.

I start to feel intense longing. Wish I could be back in that house where I was so content and angry at myself for ever leaving.

I somehow, end up on a skateboard.

I end up trying to skate myself up this large hill of dirt, and when I reached the top, I fall over towards the other side where there is no hill. I hit the ground hard.

I call a lady on my cell phone asking her where Neil's house is and she start telling me what streets to go to, etc. I end up in a back alley where there is this large patch of grass that hasn't looked like its been watered in days. I start to walk across it and then I trip and fall. Instantly, the grass grabs my purse and starts to ravage it. Confused, I get up and get off the grass immediately. Apparently the grass is looking for any human thing to grab so it can survive. It finds nothing in my purse and leaves it there, torn apart.

Then, my cats pop out of my purse and meow for help.

So I run back on the grass, shoes on, tell the cats to stay, but Milhouse doesnt listen and jumps out of the purse towards me. As he walks, the grass begins to feed on his feet. He is meowing and scared, and I quickly grab him and get off the patch.

All the time while this is happening, I miss the calmness and quietness of the house. I am wanting so much to get back. To communicate my longings with Neil, with that other man, and whomever else is around.

Woke up wishing I were in a large empty house in Britain.

Stories Through Music

I haven't expressed myself in months, creatively. I have no idea if anyone besides my mother and a couple friends read my posts anyway - so the following may not make much sense. If it sounds complicated, I certainly don't want to waste any one's time on the weekend. Just delete and go on to the next message.

Emails off, phone off. Today is my day to write. Even though this isn't a dream, it is however, the stuff dreams are made out of. And today is about Ulrich's live performance. For those who know his music, you always know the titles of these pieces that he plays - but as I've said before, titles mean nothing to me. Its the feeling that I myself get, from the music. Just because something may be labeled "venice beach" from some band doesn't mean that's what it is about. As I grew up listening to classical pieces that were labeled strictly as "minuet in G flat" etc for this sense, I still believe that.

I listen to Ulrich's Live Performance a few times a week. He performed this in 2009 and I sometimes share it on Facebook, though no one listens. Regardless, I'm always analyzing the feel and emotion from each of his pieces - 'tis my nature. Plus its symbolic for whom I am on the inside and the type of mindset I often can be in. I know that I am not understood. I know that I am not seen as who I truly am; I mean, who is? Can we truly know someone completely? I don't even think we are meant to.

However, here are my thoughts on his performance, block by block. Feel free to just scan through this: the emotions and thoughts might be fun.

~~~~~~~~

Minute 1:45-5:20 - "Home"

This piece is warm. Comforting. I feel as if I am snuggled up under many warm blankets, near a fire while snow is silently falling outside. I feel as if I am in a cottage somewhere, away from everything, looking at someone I love peacefully.

Minute 5:30-7:45 - "Indulgence"

There is something so decadent and delicious about this. I feel as if I'm floating on air, falling gently into our most wanted indulgence that we have on the inside. Its a beautiful feeling, as all of these pieces are.

Minute 8:30-11:20 - "Isolation"

Innerness. An isolated beauty. On top of a mountain at dawn. No one for miles, the sound of wind and you are there with you and you only.

Minute 11:30-13:15 - "Delirium"

Dizziness. Insanity. Delirious realization of something that makes us turn cartwheels on the inside. Holding back but fighting to keep it from exploding out.

Minute 13:35-19:50 - "Intensity"

A groove, an excitement, racing, speeding, a rawness, a strength that comes out of us at the most unforeseen times. Usually seen in the young, always there in the old.

Minute 25:00-31:10 - "Awe"

Standing in a temple, staring up at the ceiling. Looking at someone we love as they accomplish something amazing. Being silent as someone speaks, filling our hearts with knowledge, and our minds with barriers. The wind giving birth to a tree branch moving. Looking up at the sky, and witnessing a cloud go over the sun, and watching it change the entire shadow upon the landscape. The ocean waves, living a life, each crash at a time.

Minute 31:40-37:00 - "Reaching"

Yearning for understanding. Holding our head down while holding our hands out towards the sky. Longing for one touch, hoping for one acknowledgement. Attaching ourselves to the painful denial of change.

Minute 38:00-42:30 - "Forgiveness"

Delicate love, blissful wave of reliefs, and letting go. Letting go, is one of the most powerful emotions one can express and feel. The action of letting go and forgiving, opens up a million more doors when one thought they were all closed.

Minute 43:00 - 46:33 - "Acceptance"

Through acceptance, we learn. Through acceptance, we being stronger. We are finally able to see clearly. This is, by itself, something that has no words.

Minute 47:00-51:00- "Happiness"

Celebration time. Dancing. In love. Laughing. Covering a smile and then letting it go. Looking into their eyes and seeing bliss. A deep connection. Victory. Sharing. The beauty of communication. The beauty of a human being.

(Minute 51:50-1:00:15 - "Vengeance")

(Revenge? Anger? or Passion? Lust, perhaps? There's something primal about this. Either way, I'd hate to be on the receiving end of this feeling. True fans know what the title of this song is, so that explains it all, however, I think its pretty symbolic of how powerful our negative, pointless, wastes of unproductive emotions can become. Easily overtaken - easily believed - easily, we make it a law. )

~~~~~~

Besides the last piece -Usually when I listen to this entire performance, it's almost a kind of cleanliness for me, cleaning out all of the emotions and chaos that I've gone through. When I listen, I go through all of these emotions and feel relaxed and comfortable after hearing it -like I've done a daily exercise, or a Zen like meditation. Honestly, I usually end it after hearing the "Happiness" piece, because then it gets so intense and crazy with that last one, its doesn't put me in a relaxed state at all - however it still is beautiful. But besides that last one, the entire performance has a living story to it. A life being born, a story being told to us. This is why I'm very happy he agreed to be my composer for my first feature film, and this is why I'm happy that I discovered him; for he brings out in me, a reminder of the beauty that others have, and that I have inside me.

The beauty of being alive. :)

http://soundcloud.com/astrangelyisolatedplace/ulrich-schnauss-audioriver-2009-promo

Hello and Transform

Its a night, in a suburban neighborhood and I'm walking through blocks of houses, lots of trees, your standard family street. Its midnight, and its quiet and windy and cold. I'm apparently to meet someone somewhere. I come to their house, and there are tons of kids in their 20s partying in some house with loud music. A bunch of people are standing on the corner of the street, smoking and talking loudly. I walk over to them and they all say hello and introduce themselves. Meanwhile I'm rubbing at some open sore on my face that seems itchy. A guy comes out of the mess of people, has glasses and dark hair. I realize he's the person I'm supposed to meet and I walk to him. He says hello and he smiles, and before we can start talking, it gets louder and more obnoxious. I realize I'm with a bunch of young party goers and I decide, "the hell with this" and leave.

I keep walking down the streets for a while, and then I suddenly crouch down behind someone's car in their driveway. The sore on my face becomes wider and one large eye comes from it. I reduce in size in this small green fat body. So I'm this little short green thing running around with one large eye. Except I'm seeing everything from its point of view, like a cam shot in a movie.

I'm running along the streets fast, and a bear comes out from someone's backyard and growls at me...I keep running. Then I see a cat and it ignores me. Then a dog sees me and starts to run after me. I run even faster and I lose it somehow. All this is happening in the middle of the night among a bunch of people's houses. I stop and see a pack of wolves looking at me from someone's living room window. They somehow get out and come up to me. I make some high nervous noise and they start barking. I run off.

Space Ships and Memories

Everyone on earth heard a spaceship was going to land, to have us come aboard and talk with us on a trip through space.
So me and 50 other people met in a big room, around a large white 70's looking porcelain table. Each one of us stood up and talked about why we should be going and what we should or shouldn't talk about. One of the people who stood up was actor Victor French, Mr Edwards from Little House on the Prairie. He stood up in his usual plaid shirt and suspenders, and we listened to his idea.
Suddenly I was on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, completely alone with a bag, waiting for a bus. A city bus came that decided to stop 100 feet from where I was, so I ran towards it. I got on just in time and the bus kept driving in the middle of nowhere, in this country fields surrounding the roads that just kept going on and on.
Suddenly I'm back in the large room, and back talking with all the people about the spaceship that is going to land soon.
The spaceship lands, and is this stainless steel oval looking thing that is the size of a football stadium. We all get on it. The head alien starts talking to us about how he can help us remember things. As the ship takes off, I look out the windows and see we are flying through space, so its completely dark in there.
The ship has lots and lots of narrow hallways that all have windows that let you look out. So that means, surrounding the ship is a narrow hallway that goes around the entire ship. In order to get out of that hallway, you cut across to another hallway that is another layer of the ship - basically the ship was a labyrinth.
I walked down these walkways, and saw lots of things - people seeing in front of them things that happened in their childhood, people eating dinner, people looking out the windows; it was like a cruise adventure, people all over the place doing things. And the aliens were here and there, walking in between everyone, and helping them out when they had a question.
At one point, I sat on a small couch that was part of a wooden wall, and stared across the walkway through the large window that I saw all sorts of stars and galaxies. And alien came by and sat next to me and I asked him to help me remember. "Remember what" it says. I point to a guy standing several feet down, who is eating and I say "I remember what he did to me." Suddenly, I remember and I'm back in college.
I'm in college, in Oregon at Mount Hood Community College getting my A.A. degree before I take off for film school. Suddenly the music for "Bluebird of Happiness" by Ulrich Schnauss starts playing in my head; especially the quiet beginning. A boy I loved for a long time, walks up to me. Meanwhile, I'm hearing the lyrics "The love in your eyes will get you so far, Gotta find a way back home....gotta find a way back home..." and I stand there while the boy comes up to me. I tell him that he hurt me tremendously and I cant believe he didn't tell me he involved with someone else. He tells me I'm overreacting. He gives me a hug, smiles, laughs and starts to walk away.
As he walks away, he is defensive and beings to tell me that I am too emotional, taking this all the wrong way, that I am awful, etc. "...Never wanted to feel this way..." starts playing from the same song in the background; I am standing there watching him walk off and then he disappears.
I am suddenly back in the spaceship, sitting next to the alien, back on the couch - I turn to him and am crying and say "make him remember". The alien says "What is the good of making another one suffer for your pain". I get up and walk by the boy who is eating dinner there and he waves at me. The alien gives him some kind of helmet and the boy starts remembering what he did. He starts crying.
The alien looks at me. Then it walks away.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2LGfY0YGlkA - Bluebird of Happiness

Oversized Garden Vines

I lived with my mother and father on this large plantation of land, but it was covered with vegetables and flowers. Just hundreds of feet you could walk along these lines of flowers and vegetables growing systematically; each in its own block of earth.
So I'm home one day, and I take it upon myself to mow the lawn, which is in front of the house - its just a small patch. I go out there and there are vines covering the grass, everywhere. They seem to be coming from the patches of flowers and vegetables surrounding the house. So my mother comes out and walks me down around the land, and is pointing out, that the overgrown weeds (which look like vines) are so out of control, that they have taken over the patches. So it would look like, a large thick vine covering a bunch of other small weeds. In fact, the vines were so big that they were taller than us, and were bent over - almost quivering.
She got under one of them, to feel around, and I was going "uh you sure you want to do that" but she kept going. I hear her say underneath there "Well, this is interesting." I go "What?" She says "There are all male vines but no female ones - I wonder why they are still growing." Suddenly I panic, worried that the vines might take us because we are female, and I pull my mother out and go "lets get out of here".
We keep walking, and then suddenly come across a baseball field across the street, with families and kids sitting on blankets, eating picnics and playing ball. Apparently this whole time I had a mower in my hand, so one of them yells "Don't mow today!" I say "I'm not! Don't worry!"
We keep walking and we come across an outdoor public pool, my mother says "i didn't know they had a pool in this park' and I decide to jump in at the deep end, which is only 4 feet deep. Must have been a kids pool. I then realize its all dirty at the bottom, and the color is kinda green, so I decide to get back out.

Bookstore Dungeon

All I remember now, is that I was with someone in a bookstore, and we were trying to find where all the children's books are. I wanted to find a rare children's book, something like "Horton Hears a Who" or something like that. We looked through all these old, dusty books everywhere, that were in no order whatsoever. They were stacked on top of each other. So I went up to some guy and asked where the rare books where - he pointed to this woman and said it was "through her mouth".
So she opened her mouth, real wide, to the point of it so wide that a human body could fit through there - it basically became a tunnel. I looked in her mouth and said "I can't fit in there" and I was scared to death because it was all dark and red.
So my friend jumps right in and I hear him slide through this long tunnel and land somewhere. I put half of my body in and yelled "I'm not going to fit" and tried to get out. She closed up her mouth and said I could take the stairs.
So I took these long flights of stairs, down to a dark basement with all these people sitting against a wall, handcuffed. A woman had a whip, as she walked back and forth in front of them, telling them the rules on that we could look at the books, but couldn't touch them.

Reminded me of "Nightmare on Elm Street Dream Warriors" movie, where Freddy opens his mouth so wide that a person could fit through it.

Claudia and Talking Animals

First of all, it started about a coworker named Claudia that I knew years ago that I rarely talk to anymore except on Facebook. And she was the lead role in this one, so where she came from in my brain, I have no idea.
Its starting to fade so I need to type fast: She was alone near a fountain outside this university setting, with a baby in her arms. I came up to talk to her and she didn't like me at all, apparently in this dream she had known me for years. And she was upset that I was coming up to talk to her. On the side of this, I was being chased by some bad guy, or monster, or some hairy situation that I was in the middle of; so I begged her to come with me for her own safety. She said no.
I run back into the university, and I bump into 4 types of animals, one is a tiny black toy dog, another is a tiny bird, and two other small animals that talked English. I said to them, Quick, follow me! And we all go up the stairs to the 4th floor, where my room is number 416.
I run up the stairs, I try to open my door and it wont open because its full of people. Now, one of the people in there is another person that I dont talk to much except on Facebook, but she is a close friends of the first one. As soon as I get in, she starts telling me how I should have told the girl outside how I felt. I said "I can't get my heart broken twice in one day." (whatever that means)
I look out the door, peeking my head into the hallway. The animals are walking slowly, making their way down the long hall towards me. I'm going "hurry up!" Suddenly this bad guy/evil force/bad situation seems to be a threat again, and I shove the animals in the room and close the door. Suddenly, the girl is in there as well with a ton of people, and she in the corner of the room, holding her baby close to her, while everyone is talking all at once. I make my way over to her and I hold her and say its going to be alright. She's nice to me and we hold each other; all is forgiven.
All at once, I'm in a diner in the middle of nowhere, some country diner with the sun coming up through the windows. I'm ordering some menu item with just an egg and one cut of toast. I get up and go through those floppy kitchen doors and I'm back in the University hallway again.
I walk through the hallway and see an opening in the wall, with a large something covered in bubbble wrap, about the size of a painting. I pick it up and start to continue to wrap it.
My mother comes out of nowhere, complaining that it was inconvenient for her brother to drop this present off for her to wrap. I explain how I will help her wrap it. Meanwhile, I'm hurrying so I can get back to the University room, and check on everyone.

Doobie Brothers and Balloons

I was in the middle of nowhere (These dreams tend to start that way) in a field with wheat grass and it was a hot day. I come upon a mansion, but also it was sort of a hippish looking house. Apparently the Doobie Brothers lived here and they invited me in.
It was all 70's decor when I came in, and they showed me to their private recording studio in the bottom on the place, a small room, walls covered with soundproof material, and they started playing for me a different version of "It Keeps You Running" which was better than their original. For some reason it was a slower piece of music. They said that they preferred this version but the studios insisted they use the one that is played on the radios. I seemed to like this one better.
Then they showed me to this really huge room on the top of the house, covered in all windows, even the walkway was glass. So I'm walking out to this, and its looking all over the valley or the mountains, wherever this way. And there's some beauty contest happening in this little room between three girls, being judged by these guys.
Afterwards, the women follow the guys into this den that has wood paneling and orange little beds and they start trying to have sex with these women, by putting balloons between their legs(?) I didnt understand how that was possible, but they kept trying. Whatever.
All of the sudden I had to look for my cats. I saw Milhouse peeking his little head in and I follow him down some stairs covered with carpet. Him and Dorie are there, waiting for me to take them home. I chase them all over and finally I pick them up and go back out to my car.
I call Michael and tell him sorry I'm late and I'm on my way over. With the cats in the car. I'm driving out of a dirt driveway, with this house behind me in the distance.